Deconstructing Deconstruction - Part 4 - Family and Friends

Imagine you are in your favorite grocery store trying to decide which brand of coffee to buy based on this week’s sales. A close friend of yours turns the corner and begins to steer her shopping down the aisle. She recognizes you and without a word backs up and moves on to the next aisle. You wonder if she saw you. You are pretty certain that she did. Why would she pretend not to notice you? It is almost as if you have become invisible. You wonder if this is the way it is going to be from now on.

Your deconstruction is most likely going to have a significant impact on your family and friends. Let’s begin with your family. Depending on where you are in life, if you are younger, say perhaps in your teenage years, your family most likely consists of your parents and your siblings. Some families are very close to aunts, uncles, and cousins. Let’s focus on direct family members, parents and siblings. It is likely that you are moving away from the religion that you were raised in. It is only reasonable to expect that this would upset your parents since they believe they have a responsibility for your religious well-being.

There are several types of conversations that are difficult to have with family members. Conversations about political views these days can be very difficult to have, especially when it comes to holiday gatherings. Conversations about sexual identification and preferences can also be difficult to have with family members. This brings us to the difficult conversation about leaving the family religion. These conversations are usually of a different magnitude because the stakes are higher. Leaving your faith community is often seen as choosing to walk away from God and salvation. It is only natural that your family members who still hold their religious beliefs should be deeply concerned.

Rather than seeing yourself as the black sheep of the family, particularly if you are the first one to break away from your former faith community, you might want to see yourself as a pioneer. You are the one with the courage to say there is something wrong here and I need to separate myself from it. It takes courage to be the first to break away from the status quo. In time, other members of your family might recognize that you were being your own person and following your own beliefs. While they might not agree with you, they might over time become more understanding of your choices.

If you are older and have a spouse and children of your own, then your deconstruction will likely have a major impact on your relationship with them. If your spouse is supportive, then the relationship will also most likely be in good shape. If, however, your spouse is not supportive, then there will be issues between the two of you. Unfortunately, this often results in unreconcilable differences which often leads to divorce. If you have children and your spouse is not supportive of your deconstruction, then understandably he or she will want the children to continue to be part of the family religion. This is another source of disagreement especially if you believe the family religion is actually hurting your children. If your children are older, then hopefully they will be allowed to choose for themselves. If they choose to remain in the family religion, then you can expect your relationship to be challenging. But they may see your example as an alternative choice that they themselves could make.

This brings us to friends. It is likely that most of your friends are also members of your old faith community. This is very normal since so much of your free time involved church activities. It is very likely that you did not leave your former community on the best of terms. This puts additional stress on your friends who are still members. I have even heard of extreme cases where fellow community members were instructed from the pulpit to shun an individual who chose to leave the congregation. This seems to me to be a no-win situation and the best advice I can offer is to move on.

Start making new friends who accept you for who you are and not just what your spiritual beliefs are. This may seem challenging to you. You may not think that you are very good at making new friends. I assure you, with practice you will get better at it. And age doesn’t really factor into making new friends. You just have to want to do it. Making new friends is a great way to find a new community that you will feel comfortable in. The important thing is that you have to get up off your good intentions and go out and meet people. There are plenty of ways to do it and if you are uncertain then just sit down at your computer and google how do I make new friends.

Your deconstruction changes your relationships with your family and friends. There is no getting around it. These challenges can be much more difficult to resolve since they involve individuals who are and have been a part of your daily life. Each relationship needs to be dealt with on an individual basis. Unfortunately, for some there maybe be no agreeable resolution. You may have to find temporary solutions which are less than satisfactory. And for others you just may have no alternative but to move on. The good news is that you can make new friends. So, give it a try. You may find new meaning in friendships.