Difficult Conversations

Is there a conversation you dread having with your parents, or your spouse, or perhaps your siblings, more than I’m no longer a believer in the family religion? Perhaps you avoid talking about politics with equal fervor? I imagine coming out to you family and friends about your sexual orientation which may be different than what they assume is also an uncomfortable conversation to have.

Life is full of opportunities to have difficult conversations. And if you are anything like me, you put a lot of energy into trying to avoid them. These days I think most of us are trying to avoid having a conversation about politics in America, and the world in general. You may know where your family and friends stand on political issues, but broaching the subject of politics at a social gathering is like walking through a mine field. You never know where the next mine is buried, but you are sure that if you step on it, the response will be messy.

Knowing where the mines are buried, knowing the political beliefs of your family and friends, may not be enough to help you avoid them. Family gatherings, especially around the holidays, usually present multiple opportunities for tempers to flare over opposing political beliefs. Having had that experience more than once, many of us choose to simply avoid the holiday gatherings. We can’t help but feel a loss, but it is the price we pay to keep peace in the family.

Communicating our decision to leave the religion of our family is one of those conversations that I think many of us tend to avoid. It is easy to think that some things are better left unspoken. Here again, the holidays can be problematic. Assuming that we are able to avoid the political conversations at the Thanksgiving table, Christmas and Easter present ample opportunities to be drawn back into the family religious customs. Attendance at Christmas or Easter services may become awkward and even painful. When this happens, it is probably a good time to have the conversation and reveal your truth.

You might be thinking that having the discussion about no longer being a believer of the family religion is different than talking politics or discussing social mores. I agree. The stakes are higher. If you disagree about political concepts, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are going to suffer eternal damnation. What makes discussions about leaving the religion of the family more difficult is the fact that religious beliefs are primarily about what happens after death. And if we are talking about Christian beliefs which don’t generally include the concept of reincarnation, what happens after death determines what you will experience for all eternity. Is it any wonder that we do our best to avoid these conversations?

Organizational psychologist Adam Grant, in his book “Think Again”, suggests that when having difficult conversations, it is best to avoid assuming the posture of a preacher. In preacher mode we tend to deliver sermons to protect and promote our beliefs. It is likewise beneficial to avoid the posture of a prosecutor. Prosecutors are seasoned at recognizing flaws in other peoples’ reasoning. They in essence attempt to prove them wrong. He also suggests that we avoid the posture of a politician. Politicians tend to seek the approval of their audience.   

He suggests a slightly more scientific approach which begins by asking questions about their beliefs. Seek to find common ground and when we find agreement, say so. You know, I think we both agree on that point. If they are concerned about you suffering eternal damnation, hopefully you too are concerned about that. If they are worried about losing you to the secular world, reassure them that you still love them.

Formulate questions that may cause them to rethink certain beliefs. Do they have a sacred text that they believe to be their source of wisdom and morality? What if they were born in another country that had a different religion and a different sacred book? Would they hold the same view of that book? Are there similarities between the two books? If so, and there more than likely are, what are they?  Were they told that their religion was the only true religion, and all the other ones were false?  Weren’t the believers in the other country told the same thing? You are not trying to convince them that you are right. You are only trying to help them understand some of the questions that you had when you made your decision to leave.

Have patience and consider that a single conversation is not going to make everything better. This will be an ongoing process. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open.